And today was a day just like any other....

This time last year I was jumping out of my skin excited.  Now I just sit here terrified.  In four hours I leave my house and get out of this state.  I love my friends up there.  I love them and miss them more than they will ever know, and the idea of seeing andrew is making me more happy than I could ever explain, but there's something I can never get up there, and its something so incredibly important.  The other night I had what could possibly be the best night of my sumer so far including the Andrew McMahon concert.  In my eyes they are probably tied.  I spent the night lying of the roof staring at the stars with the one person in this world I care about most.  We sang the lyrics into the night, and I forgot about the rest of the world.  I realized that no matter how much I deny it, part of me will always be unconditionally head of heels in love with this boy.  For the first time in a few weeks I felt as if i mattered to him again, and it made me more happy than I could even being to put into words.  The thought that somewhere inside of him a piece of him still loves me to is what's getting me by these days.  The only problem is, now I am terrified.  I am terrified that when I leave he's going to forget about me.  He's going to have all this time to spend with her.  I'm terrified that the little piece of him left that does care about me is going to fade away.  I remember sitting on his couch at the beginning of the summer.  I remember looking into his eyes and telling him, "I can't be without you."  It's not now that I "Cant" be without him, but I don't ever want to have to.  It hurts way to badly.  But, I realize now that if I have to, I would much rather be his friend than nothing, but after nights like the other night at the roof, I find myself hoping with every little bit of hope I can collect that it can be more than that.  I keep running scenarios over and over in my head about how I can come back more often next year, or how I can make things different.  I keep trying to figure out all of these things to make it work.  No matter how hard I try, I can never seem to get him out of my head.  I'm just petrified that by the time I come home, I won't be in his at all.  He changed my world.  He makes everything better.  He keeps me grounded.  He calms me down when I freak out.  He is the only person ever to successfully stop my panic attack.  He's the first person I want to call when I have good news.  He's the first person I want to run to when someone has done something awful.  When we're lying down and he's playing with my hair, time stops.  The world moves slowly.  It's as if I can close my eyes and live in that moment for longer than it really lasts.  I realize that I don't have everything she can offer him.  I don't even have half of it.  I don't live here full time and I'm not his age.  I don't have a ridiculous amount of money, and I can't show him the world.  Sometimes I feel like I can't even say "I love you" and be better because when it comes down to it she can say it too, and maybe she honestly does mean it, but I feel like no one can love you more than I do.  I may not show it all the time, but it's true.  I put up these walls and they are awful things.  When it comes down to it, I think they cause more damage in my life than that they prevent, but yet I put them up anyway.  I put them up and don't let anyone tear them down, but I'm letting you.  And soon they will all be gone.  I can't begin to tell you how much it kills me that I can't be here for your birthday.  If there was some way I could be home for it I would.  It's something I know you have been looking forward to for so long.  It's such an important day in your life and I feel like such a horrible person because I'm not even around to share it with you.  I know you wouldn't be able to hang out with me anyway, but even seeing you just to simply say happy birthday would make me feel better.  It's eating me up inside more than you know.  All I keep thinking about is how you probably wont even be home that day so a phone call wont even do because I have no way to reach you what so ever.  I'm terrified.  I am completely one hundred percent scared.  I want to be with you.  I do.  I want to be with you for a long time.  I find comfort in the idea that there could be a real future for us.  I love you more than I know how to put into words sometimes.  Just please don't forget me when I'm gone.  Don't let that little piece that still cares about me die.  I don't know what I would do.  Don't give up on me.  I promise I can be better.  I can be anything.  Just don't give up on me yet.

Today, an ex-boyfriend made the comment that his current girlfriend is the only normal girl he has ever dated.  Two things stuck out in my mind.  One, that he was saying I'm weird, and two, he's dated around 15 girls.  How could only one of them be "normal?"  But that's the very thing about normalcy.  None of those girls were normal, because there is no such thing.  How can you define a person as such.  The specific example he used for me was that I am not normal because most people wouldn't get on a plane and fly across the country to witness one man sing.  Now, for everyone at the Jack's Mannequin concert who does what I do (and believe me there definitely are a few) we view all those who wouldn't as odd.  To ourselves it is exactly what we are supposed to be doing.  There is nothing weird about it.  Everyday each one of us gets out of bed and begins our daily routine.  There are a few particular things that we do out of habit each and every day.  For all you know, the things you repeat time and time again are actions that nobody else you know performs.  Maybe you are the only one that gets up and plays the piano before breakfast every morning.  Maybe you are the only one that gets up at 3 am for a glass of soda.  Maybe just maybe you are the only one that likes to walk your dog in the dark, but who are we to judge?  What gives me the power to accuse you of something we call normalcy.  There is nothing "normal" about her, because quite simply, no such thing exists. 

I find myself dragged into a new and weird emotion.  I went away for the weekend and hung out with a boy that I have had a crush on for quite some time now.  After spending the day with him, I all together forgot about my feelings for Dillon.  I returned home expecting them to come back after a day or two, but they are completely gone.  Honestly, I am relieved and happy that this is true.  Now they are just replaced with another weird emotion.  For some reason I can't accept the fact that in his mind she is so much better than me.  Every time we talk he explains her amazing heart or her unbelievable kindness or how he's never met a girl who can give so much to the world or who has so much to offer.  He flaunts her private jets and million dollar trust fund.  Everything is how much more she has or how much better she is.  I am one hundred percent sure I never want to enter into another relationship with Dillon ever, but I am also sure that I completely hate the fact that she's so much better.  I want to win.  I want to mean more.  I wish that for once he would turn around and be like you know what, you're better than her at that.  Just once.  But no instead, tonight he had to tell me that he was playing Jack's Mannequin for her girlfriend tonight and that she LOVES Hammers and Strings.  How dare you say that to me.  I have a necklace that I wear around my neck of the lyrics from that song.  That song is everything sometimes.  How dare you try to make it hers.  I can't even bear to listen to it right now.  You know what, I think i wish you would find me better than her just so this time when you came back and begged me to love you, I could be the one to say now.  Maybe then you would hurt just one tenth the amount I have.  God, If anyone ever hurt you like you hurt me you would die. 

On a happier note, everyone listen to Thriving Ivory.  They are AMAZING!!!! Legit my favorite band under SoCo and Jack's.

Today I had my first piano lesson since sixth grade.  There's not much for me to say about it right now, but I thought it was something to comment on.  She's starting me on classical music because I am "better than she thought I was going to be," so currently I am learning to play Bach, which in my opinion is definitely a step up in difficulty from Andrew.  Don't get me wrong, I would rather continuously play Andrew McMahon's music till I die, but how cool is it to bang out Bach and Mozart.  On my way out my teacher told me to sit down and play the seven foot grand piano at the front of the store.  There is no piano bigger than it in the world.  There is no piano more "grand."  Hammers and Strings has never sounded prettier.

Today I also realized something.  It is absolutely no secret that music is EVERYTHING in my world, but I have made a vow to try to find something else, something while less important, equally satisfying.  Yes, I have only been on this search for a few days now, but I think I may have made an important discovery.  It always comes down to something incredibly emotional for me.  It's always something that pulls at my heart, and for some reason it ALWAYS has to do with words.  It can be movies, books, TV shows, quotes, anything really; but its always words sending increy was my first piano lesson since sixth grade.  I don't really have anything to say about it specifically, but it's very nice to be back learning it all agaidible messages that change the way I look at the world.  Sometimes they change, even if only for just a moment.  Today I realized that no matter what happens in my life, I must always do something creative.  I must always tell a story.  There are so many untold stories that need acknowledgment.  There are so many happy endings that are yet to be discovered.  I want to find them.  I want to tell them.  I want to create something that the world looks at and steps back like I do after every movie I see, and I want them to say "WHOA."  I want their perspectives to change.  Don't get me wrong, my dream, my goal, my everything is to own my bar.  That will never change.  But one day if that isn't possible, one day when the music dies, at least I have something else that picks me up when I'm down.  It's always about the words.

So I'm going to go with a lighter topic today that my usual depressing heavy drama to end my post.  Because I've been talking about words I'm going to list a few that have changed me the most recently and maybe they can change you too.

Top Current Songs:
1. Bulletproof Weeks - Matt Nathanson 
2. Permanent - David Cook 
3. No Boundaries - Kris Allen (not so much the words just that I LOVE Kris and YAY he won American Idol!!! YAY)
4. Pretty the World - Matt Nathason 
5. Gotta Figure This Out - Erin McCarley 
6. Cavanaugh Park - Something Corporate
7. When I'm Gone - The Audition 
8. Angels on the Moon - Thriving Ivory 
9. Manhattan from the Sky - Kate Voegele
10. Crashin' - Jack's Mannequin

Top Current Movies:
1. Keith 
2. Angels and Demons
3. The Butterfly Effect
4. Remember the Titans
5. Twilight (I'm sorry I had to)

 Everyone go to Youtube and look up Dear Jack by Jack's Mannequin.
When Andrew McMahon was in the hospital with leukemia he met a little boy who I believed was named Jack.  This boy has been said to completely change Andrew and holds a special place in his heart.   Unfortunately this boy lost his life during his battle against cancer, and the song is a tribute to him.  After knowing such a thing, the song becomes incredibly powerful.  Its about innocence and hope and pain and respect and love.  It is amazing.   Everyone listen.  It is simply amazing.
"Dear Jack
I write you as a friend
And dear friend
I write I fear the end is coming near
For you its not so clear
Its clear to me
Clear as glass
Dear Jack
Dear Jack"

 I am so unbelievably tired.  I hurt.  I am so tired of hiding.  I am so tired of having no one to talk to.  My heart... my heart is so torn apart it hurts.  I am completely in love with a boy who is with someone else and its killing me.  Everyday I get a phone call and talk for hours, and every night he tells me he loves me, and every night he means it, but every morning he gets up and runs to someone else's arms and it hurts.  I am so tired of trying to hide the fact that I am completely in love with this boy.  I am in love with him, in every single sense of the word.  Every single part of me screams that, but I am tired of hiding it.  I am tired of people telling me how wrong it is.  I am tried of being judged.  I am tired of people judging him.  I am tired of no one supporting me.  For the first time in my life the ONLY person who supports this is my mother.  If my own mother thinks that he is a good person why can't my closest friends.  Why do I feel like I have to hide EVERYTHING.  I feel like when I'm angry or need to vent I can't because everyone will just say they told me so, or that I must deal because that's just the type of guy he is.  And I feel like when I'm happy people just shrug it off or don't want to hear it.  They don't believe things like that can happen with him.  But it does.  And I have to sit here and be more lonely than ever before because people just cant accept the fact that he's different than they are.  They can't look past mistakes only because his are not the typical experience.  They refuse to meet him or get to know him because they already judged him beforehand, and 99 percent of the time they get it wrong.  I am so tired of being alone in this whole thing.  It's sad that I literally have to talk about my feelings and frustrations with him himself.  When I cry because he's not with me, or when I cry because I'm afraid that we're from two different worlds, or when I cry because he got into trouble again, it's him that I cry to.  It's him.  And no matter how many times I do, he never leaves me.  He never leaves.  Dillon treats me better than anyone in the world.  Dillon treats me like a queen.  But tonight I am totally and utterly afraid, and I don't know who to talk to because this is something I can't talk to Dillon about, not yet.  Me and Dillon joke about being together forever, we joke about it with laughter and without a care in the word, but when it comes down to it, I completely think it would be possible.  I can't be without him.  I don't want to live in a world without him in it, even if he's just my best friend till death do us part.  But I am afraid.  I am afraid of being more in love than I already am and my mind keeps telling me that it's bad.  My mother raised me to be this strong independent successful person.   She raised me in hopes that my life would far outdo hers, as many mothers do.  She has high hopes and incredible dreams for my future.  My only fear now is that being with someone like him means that my future will be just a little less bright.  We would forever be poor.  He will never be a doctor or a lawyer.  He will never be one of the most respected jobs in America.  He won't be a CEO and he won't be famous, but Dillon is far from ordinary.  He just can't give me this upper middle class life I always imagined to have.  So I start to worry that material things can get in the way of emotional happiness, and I don't want it to.  It is with completely honestly that I can say I love DIllon more than I have loved anything in a very very long time, if not more than anything I have loved ever.  Every single thing reminds me of him even when I am mad.  Every single day I get up and wonder when it is that I can go see him.  The feeling I get when he looks at me is completely inexplicable.  My heart and my head are going in complete opposite directions and I have no idea what to do, and absolutely no one to talk to.  

I have one question for everyone:
If you care about me, and you can see that this guy makes me happier than I can remember being, and you know that I love him, why can't you just suck up your pride and be happy for me?  Why does everyone have to be pissed off that I finally am happy?  If you really cared about me wouldn't you be happy too?

The other thing that makes me nervous tonight, is I for some reason let my mind wander to the day that Andrew stops performing.  No other musician has the same effect on me.  No other concerts are as theraputic and perfect.  But Andrew cannot continuing performing forever.  One day he will either become tired of it, too old to do it, want to start a family, or lets face it, worst case scenario he could even get sick again.  I wish that I had something else to care about.  I wish that there wasn't this one single thing I want more than anything in the world, because God the day Andrew stops performing will be the worst day I have had for a long time.  If I am aware that it's my last concert, God it would be one show full of tears, and don't even get me started about the day after.  I am afraid of this night.  I am afraid that when he stops I won't know what to be passionate about anymore.  I am afraid.  So tonight I am deciding that today will be the last day I only have music.  Tomorrow morning I will set out in search for something else to define me, something else to be passionate about.  I love Andrew.  I will always love Andrew, and NOTHING will ever come close to the place he holds in my heart, but I know that there needs to be more than that.  There HAS to be.  Tomorrow I am going to begin finding out what that is.  Tomorrow I am going to make my life mean something more. 

Dillon I know you won't ever see this, but I need to say this and I can't say it to your face, but she's not good for you.  Hell maybe I'm not good for you either, and I could live with that, but please don't stay with her.  Please.  You deserve more than that.  You deserve MORE.  I want you to know i love you, God I love you so much.  Don't give up on me ok.  

It's a lonely world, one where you only have the thing you love the most eight times a year, and that's a good year.  It's a lonely world.  It's a lonely world when you become abnormally close to those things, but at the same time never have been farther away from resembling some sense of importance.  My world is happiest when Andrew McMahon sings.  My world is happiest when I stand before him a wide eyed little girl in complete awe of his performance.  My world was only happy eight days this year.  People get to experience the things they are most passionate about daily.  People get to pick up instruments and play, or paint an exquisite picture, or ride fire trucks, or run hotels.  But me, I have to wait.  I have to spend 357 days a year minimum wishing it wasn't so.  I still remember the first song of the show.  On March 1, 2007 he opened with Holiday from Real, and the first verse was acoustic.  On April 14, 2008 he opened with Dark Blue.  On October 18, 2008 it was Crashin'.  On July 12, 2008 he began with The Mixed Tape.  On October 19, 2008 it was Annie Use Your Telescope.  On December 6, 2008 it was Crashin' and on December 7, 2008 it was Dark Blue.  May 3, 2009 and May 7, 2009 were both Crashin'.  And every single time, EVERY SINGLE ONE, he ends with La La Lie.  I still remember how the first measure of Holiday from Real was different.  The inflection in "much" was much greater.  I still remember the look in his eyes when he notices me in the front row and smiles while he sings.  I close my eyes, and sometimes I am successful in bringing myself back to these moments.  Sometimes, even on the most ordinary of days, the pain stops.  But sometimes, more often than not, I can't do such a thing, and it lingers on.  Andrew McMahon has changed my life, not because of his looks or personality, not because I think he's the most dreamy person ever, but because there is something in his words that just won't let me go.  I wish that this wasn't true.  I wish I could find this passion in something that I could have everyday, but this is the life that I was given.  Sometimes I wish I were innocent.  I wish I could go back to April 14, 2008 and make a decision not to meet him, because for a minute it makes me feel like I'm important to him, just for a minute.  And then I go home, and the happiness wears off and I realize he doesn't even remember.  Why can't i just have a normal passion like everyone else?  Why can't i just have less of it.?  Why can't i find something else to make me happy?

The last few days have been rather emotional.  I returned home from college with this feeling that everything could go back to the way it was before I left, but that's never the case.  Time waits for no man.  I know that, but yet i was naive enough to think that somehow I could overcome that.  And then, for a moment, and maybe just a moment, i got exactly what I wanted, and we were happy.  And on Friday you left me.  There are three things I know for sure I am terrified of; guns, spiders, and being abandoned.  There's a sign I hang on my wall to remind myself everyday that I need to work on that last part, that it's just part of life.  The sign reads, "People always leave."  So I sat at Barnes for 8 hours waiting for you.  Part of me didn't want to believe that you would do such a thing, and part of me was completely terrified and convinced it was true.  I have this recurring nightmare.  It's fourth grade all over again and we are back in West Virginia driving to my Aunt's house.  It's the middle of the night, and my dad gets out of the car and locks the doors.  He walks away down the highway with the keys, the phone, and the computer.  I blacked out for the rest, probably because it hurts too much to remember, but I know it was a while before he returned.  It all happened because of some immature fight he had with my mother that I am all too sure he started.  The last thing I remember from that night was being a 12 year old girl saying goodbye to her father through a window.  He told me he had no idea when he was coming back, or when I would see him again.  He told me he had to leave me.  It was weeks before that changed.  I wish I could tell you this nightmare isn't true, but that would be a lie.  I can pinpoint my fear of abandonment back to this very moment.  That was night I became afraid of being alone.  So on Friday I became afraid again, and I told this person whom I loved who stood before me that I didn't.  I believed that if i left first it wouldn't hurt.  I hurt too bad to think.  I hurt too bad.  I loved him more than he ever knew, more than i ever told him, and couldn't stand to be sitting there with him at the same time.  I was in complete shock that he could do that me.  Multiple people tell me that they aren't surprised.  They tell me that one day someone with his background was bound to hurt me or do something to ruin the relationship, but I never believed them.  I have never believed myself to be most people.  I have this insane power to forgive people, the kind  I wish I didn't have because I find myself apologizing in situations when others should be, maybe even like Friday.  I find myself finding something I did wrong and they feed off that, make me feel horrible, and come out looking like the good guy, when deep down they aren't.  But I'm better than seeing the person that the world sees.  You never approved of him because you don't see what I see.  I don't see a boy that gets into trouble, and does drugs, and has a more formed relationship with the cops than other kids his age.  I don't see the fact that he's insecure and afraid.  I don't see faults.  I don't.  I never did, and I never will.  I see the boy that took care of my dog.  I see the look in his eyes when he looked at this poor little defenseless animal with so much love and care.  I see that boy.  The one that wouldn't hurt anyone or anything.  I see someone who puts his friends before everything else, even when he claims his friends are embarrassing.  I see someone so selfless.  I see someone who is respectful.  I see someone who is open-minded and up for new experiences.  I see someone who is precise and aware of the little things.  I see someone who pays attention.  I see someone that is comforting.  I see someone that wraps you in his arms and makes the demons go away.  I see someone that may get into sticky situations, but no matter how hard they get, he always manages to keep me calm.  I am never afraid, and if he is, he does a really good job of hiding it.  I see someone who is honest about himself and his feelings.  And maybe right now he thinks he is lost, and maybe right now he doesn't know what he is fighting for.  Maybe right now he believes he is on his way to being a life long criminal, but deep down in the bottom of my heart I know it will never be true.  He has a very bright future ahead of him, and despite his attempts to change his fate, I have a feeling it will last longer than five more years.  I believe Dillon is going to change the world someday.  I believe Dillon is going to make a difference.  I believe this because I believe in him, because I believe in his heart.  While we may never be together again, and at this point I don't know who's fault it is because honestly we both ripped each other apart, I will forever be proud to say one he was mine, despite the probation, and arrests, and drugs, and fights, and mistakes.  I will forever be proud.  Dillon changed my life.  He taught me that somethings love cannot overcome, but doesn't mean you shouldn't try.  He taught me there are much worse things than getting in trouble.  He taught me to feel.  He taught me that age is absolutely nothing, well being under 18 is kind of good in his case.  He taught me to be confident, and to "clean my mirror."  He taught me that guns are probably a good thing to have around in my neck of the woods.  He taught me that even in the dark you can tell when someone is blushing by the way they respond to your questions.  He taught me cornering boys for kisses like first graders do really is about as effective as it sounds (it never works).  Dillon taught me to be a much better person.  I feel sorry for those of you that don't know him, or just flat out refuse to meet him.  You're missing out.  I feel sorry for those of you who judge him based on his past instead of his character, but at the end of the day if people refuse to get to know him because of what he has done, then honestly I don't think you deserve to get to know him, and I don't think he should waste his time getting to know you.  There are too many people in my life that have this attitude, and I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of people's judgements.  He doesn't judge any of you, even after knowing that you guys don't like him.  Tonight I will go to bed and remember the first night we hung out in this very spot I am sitting now.  I go to sleep with the stuffed dog not to far away.  Tonight I cry because he's gone, but smile because he once was here, and I'm learning to believe that that will always be enough. 

I think in a lot of ways I'm the same messed up girl I was two years ago.  I think I just found a healthier way to go about fixing it, except not really.  For two years now I've made Andrew and his music the most important thing in my life, and the problem is, at the end of the day it really is.  So i show up to his shows 5 hours early, get front row center twice in one week, and have a few hours of pure happiness unlike anything I have ever felt.  And then it ends.  And nights like tonight happen.  It hurts more now than it ever did before.  It hurts so bad.  I just want to go back, because I feel like sometimes thats the only chance I'll ever get at happiness.  I close my eyes, and replay it in my head hoping that for just one minute it can be real again.  This doesn't happen for any other band, just Andrew, but it happens every time.  Every concert makes me happier than I ever imagined possible, and then as quickly as it came, it strips it away.  I want to live in a concert forever.  I want to have it every night.  But sometimes I second guess myself wondering if the bar would even fix it, because at the end of the day, none of those bands would be Andrew's.  I feel like a disappointment sometimes, more than you could ever imagine.  I know I am a smart girl with so much potential, but yet I choose to try to open a bar, something that takes little to no brains.  I'm such a screwed up girl.  To be completely honest, I am completely broken.  And tonight, because it's all over, tonight I am reminded of that more than ever.

song - Angels on the Moon by Thriving Ivory ---- EVERYONE LISTEN
movie - Keith --- saw it for the first time tonight... definitely one of my favorites... first movie to ever make me cry. 

 FUCK YOU DILLON.

 Why do I feel like someone shot my heart out of my chest?  Why does it hurt so bad, when I am the one that left him?  It hurts.  I guess that means at the end of the day I was really completely in love with him, or rather that I still am completely in love with him.  I remember when he told me when I broke up with him that he thought he might have to disappear for a while.  He believed that being my friend would hurt too much.  I remember how afraid I was that he would actually go away because he was too important.  Now the tables have been turned, and I am the one that so desperately wants to disappear for even just two weeks so that I can try to deal with the fact that part of him will always be gone.  But he remains one of my best friends, and when I threatened to disappear he told me how much he hopes I don't.  He told me that it would hurt him too.  So I sit here now trying not to leave: one because I don't want to make him sad, and two because I don't really want to let him go, but it's so hard.  It is so hard to be his friend.  I don't know what I am going to do when I come home and have to hang out with him again.  I don't know how to show up at his house and not kiss him hello and goodbye.  I don't know how not to hug him, or lay there in his arms when we watch a movie.  I don't know how to just be his friend.  I don't know how to do this especially when I don't want to, but I HAVE to.  He has a girlfriend now.  I said I was going to be the girl that stopped cheating on her boyfriends.  I said I was going to be faithful, so doesn't that include not hooking up with guys with girlfriends.  Technically I wouldn't be cheating on anyone, but I would be the reason someone else was.  I guess the problem now lies in the fact that everything reminds me of him.  Everything.  Every single song I that comes on Itunes, whether I pick it or put it on shuffle has some lyric relating to this whole situation.  Currently the lyric in my speakers is, "Love save the empty.  Save me." (Erin McCarley)  If that doesn't sum up what I'm feeling then what the hell does?  His ring tone, and "our" song directly relates to every conversation we have been having these past few days.  "Tell me that you love me, and it will be alright.  Are you thinking of me?  Just come with me tonight.  You know I need you just like you need me.  Can't Stop... Won't stop.  I must be dreaming." (The Maine)  We were talking about how he would give it all up if I asked him to because at the end of the day he wants this as badly as i do, but its just too much pain.  Then if you look at the reasons why I won't take him back it's because of that pain.  It's because no one makes him as angry as I do, and no one makes me more stressed and upset.  "They'll never hurt you like I do." (Something Corporate) If you go earlier in the song you get, "And you don't want to be here in the future, so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past."  That relates to how I don't want to go back to that place.  I don't want to go back to the fighting and the probation and all the rules and stresses of his legal problems.  I don't want that burden anymore.  So this place I am in now, this place where I deal with his new girlfriend, it's just a pleasant interruption between being with him and being okay without him.  "And we both go down together.  We might stay there forever.  Just try to get up.  And I'm sorry, but this wasn't easy.  And I asked you believe me, and never let go." (Mayday Parade) That just kind of sums up how we fought and fought and fought but at the end of the day we would cry and freak out when we were apart.  We fought so much but couldn't be apart.  We were truly at the bottom sometimes, but clinging on for dear life because we couldn't and wouldn't be alone.  "And even broken hearts may have their doubts." (Mayday Parade)  I guess that is just pretty much the summary of my current feelings and state of mind. "Good luck you know you better just forget it, cause love is never in the same place that you left it." (Tyler Hilton)  I guess I'm afraid that since we have been apart for so long, for over two months now, that even if we were to go back it would all be different.  Who knows maybe it would be good different, after all he might get off probation next week, but maybe everything we had is lost and gone away.  "And where can I go that these pictures won't haunt me?"  (Something Corporate)  This one is exactly how I feel too.  I just want to crawl up and go somewhere where this all goes away, but I can't.  That place doesn't exist.  "Falling in and out of love, ashamed and proud of, together all the while.  You can never say never while we don't know when, but time and time again, younger now than we were before.  Don't let me go." (The Fray)  That's all I wish I could say to him.  Don't let me go.  I know you don't like him.  I know you are incredibly happy that I am not with him anymore.  I know this whole thing probably drives you crazy because I sit here and continually talk about how i wish i had this guy back that you can't stand, but I need to ask you for one thing.  Please just understand how bad it hurts.  God it hurts so bad.  

 So today I stumbled upon a few questions that I figured I would answer to get away from the average rants about boys and my incredibly boring and repetitive life.

1. Who, which individual or group, will gain the most if your life goals are accomplished?
Ok so after thinking about this question, I realized that I would gain the most if my life goals were accomplished.  I would be the happiest person because I would get to live in a concert every night.  Hell if I wanted to I could literally find some space in the bar to throw up a wall and door and make it my home.  So is that incredibly selfish of me?  Is it awful that at the end of the day I'm getting a lot more than I'm giving back to the world?  What really am I giving back to the world anyway?  I mean there is always going to be a few little wide eyed girls in the audience that are loving every second of the music as much as I am, and they are why I am doing it, but what about everyone else.  Everyone else will have a great time but at the end of the night it will be over, and they will be okay with that.  All of the others are either too young to appreciate what is going on, or old enough that they are buying alcohol and in turn the only thing I have done i successfully make a lot of people drunk.  But knowing all of this, if I really step back and think about it, there really isn't anything I would rather be doing.  There isn't any other place in the world that I think I would fit better.  So shouldn't that be enough?  I always said that if I help one person the way Andrew McMahon helped me than it would always be enough.  So I guess in accomplishing my goal I must do that.  I must help that one person.  At the end of the day I know I will because I have no idea who owns and runs The Chance, but they are directly responsible for allowing me to see Andrew.  Without them that night and the rest of my life would have been completely different, so whether they realize it or not, there will be one girl one night, and her life will change when she steps into my bar.  Everything from then on will be different, and for me, that will always be enough.  

2. Suppose that all cruelty, strife, and poverty in the world could be ended in the exchange for the sacrifice of your life.  Under these circumstances, would you commit suicide?
Ok at first the answer that comes to mind is, "Of course because then the world would be perfect."  I don't think however that it would be able to stay that way.  I guess I believe that we have to have some sort of balance.  Nothing works when everyone is equal.  Someone has to be the leader and someone has to be the follower.  Someone always has to have some sort of power of there is chaos.  If we took away poverty, a lot of the divisions due to status would be gone.  It would make a lot of things a whole lot easier, but I guess part of me wonders if we were all equal if it would make things a whole lot worse as well.  There would be less motivation and less people working as hard as they are.  Our world as we know it would probably be a lot less productive.  However it would help everyone eat.  No one would go hungry, and the basics like clothes and shelter would be taken care of.  Or would they?  But then I step back and look at the part about cruelty.  That is something that one life sacrificed for is definitely worth.  I grew up in a house that had its own special fits of violence that few people understand.  My experiences I would never wish upon anyone.  The sad part is that I know there are hundreds of thousands of people out there that have suffered from violent and cruel crimes far more appalling than the ones I dealt with.  I can't imagine being those people.  If I could help them, shouldn't I?  I guess it comes down to the fact that I don't believe anyone should have to go through some of the things I know exist in the world.  It's as simple as that.  They shouldn't have to.  So if my life would single-handedly wipe out all of this forever I would carefully contemplate it.  The problem then becomes the fact that I enjoy life too much to ever intentionally end it.  The idea sickens me.  Would I be able to take my own life no.  So I have no idea what I would do.  I have no absolutely no clue.  Part of me just feels like if we got rid of these things something else would be wrong.  Something is always wrong.  And I don't want to leave the world before I am supposed to if I can't leave it absolutely perfect. 

 Something I need to write more for myself than even him to ever read. 

Dear Dillon, 
I realized something today.  Today i realized that maybe the greatest way I can care about you is by letting you go.  It takes a lot to be with someone... a lot, however it takes even more to care enough to realize that while being with someone may be all that you want, letting that someone be happy with someone else may be the best thing you can do for them.  If you look back on our relationship, we had some truly amazing times.  We had our night(s) on the roof and all the times I would come pick you up in the middle of the night.  We had Batman, Benjamin Button, and all the movies we watched at your house after 6 PM.  We had this whole completely separate life that seemed so detached from the world in the best of ways, but then there were the days that we drove each other insane.  There were the days I was too stressed to deal, and those days that you just wouldn't deal at all or answer the phone.  There were the times we were both too mad at each other to even speak to one another let alone try to fix it.  There were the times you ran away and I had no idea where you were, and the times that you would want to talk and I would somehow always seem to be too busy.  At the end of the day no matter how much I tried and no matter how much I cared we always seems to have something wrong.  So tonight I sit here and care as much if not more than I ever did, but nothing is different.  I want to call you mine more than you ever know, however I don't want to be selfish.  I see you with this girl that you say you don't love, and you say it's not the same, but its only been two weeks.  Most importantly I see you with this girl though, and she seems to make you happy.  How could I ever live with myself for sitting here and asking you to let that go and be mine again when at the end of the day nothing has changed and there's a good chance that over time we too will fall apart again.  I want to be a better person than that.  I want to treat you better than that.  Rebecca thinks I hurt you, and she only hears your point of view and she's your best friend so she's biased and I understand that, but for all the times that I have hurt you I am truly from the bottom of my heart sorry.  So for all of those times, I this time am going to try to prevent it.  The greatest way you can show you love someone is through self-sacrifice.  So tonight, on the 23rd, I recognize the fact that you are currently sleeping at her house.  It hurts a little because sleeping next to someone you love is my favorite thing in the world, and I don't get to do it very often.  But tonight, I am letting that all go, because I know you are going to sleep happy, and for me that will always be enough.  Hopefully one day we will get another chance when things are better or different.  If they are never better or different hopefully we are better and figure out some way not to want to kill each other and work everything out.  I have learned a lot through this whole situation.  I have learned a lot about how to love someone and what it means to be in a complicated relationship.  I have learned what it is like to have someone be that important again, and I have learned how to try to be less "emotionally constipated" and let them in.  You have shown me parts of the world, good and bad, that I know I never would have seen without you.  You have taught me to be brave.  You have taught me that people that get into trouble aren't scary, and that I shouldn't be afraid of them.  You have taught me patience, and how to drive really fast so that I have you home on time for curfew.  You have taught me not to take everything so seriously, and shown me a silver lining in many of my clouds.  9 months ago today you told me you loved me.  I sit here tonight completely sure that I love you ten thousand times more than I did then.  I hope you stay in my life for a long time Dillon, whether it be as a friend or more than that.  I hope you stick around forever.  I hope that night I open that bar you really do sit there and have the first drink and party with me and Andrew all night long.  I hope you decide not to walk in the middle of the road and get hit by a taxi that night, because come on lets face it that would completely kill the excitement of me finally doing it lmao.  I hope you get everything you have ever wanted.  I am glad that I see you fighting for something.  I am glad that I see you working for something.  Whether you see it or believe it or not, you have come a long way from the boy that I met a few months ago.  You believe that you have always been this guy way older than the body he was put into, which is completely true, but that guy I met 9 months ago is so young compared to the guy I know now.  I have found myself listening to "Can't Stop, Won't Stop" a lot this week.  I am thinking I need to change it back to you're ringtone.  It just seems right.  That's something you said to me the other day when you came to visit.  "It just seems right."  So tonight I am going to use your excuse.  I am going to explain myself in your own words.  Tonight I am going to tell you that because I love you, because you mean the world to me, I am letting you go.  I am doing this because in the bottom of my heart I truly believe that it's best for you, and part of me thinks "it just seems right."  Is it going to hurt?  Yeah.  It hurts "like hell," but that's part of  caring.  If I didn't care so much, it wouldn't hurt so badly.  So if you can do one last thing for me, please just be happy, because if you're not happy, than none of this was worth it.  Happy 23rd. 
<3 Always and Forever 
S

 Don't even read this you'll get mad at me, but I need to write it and it's my livejournal so I will.  Today I was talking to Dillon, and he told me something that completely ripped my heart apart.  Last summer we spent this night on the roof.  We danced with no music, laid and watched the stars, made fun of the guys working at 1 am through the windows, and at the end of the night made a promise to be there again in one year.  We went back often to talk when there was no other place to go, and we created this spot.  At the end of the summer we made it "ours."  It was OUR roof.  Whenever I think of this amazing couple we used to be, or when I am feeling nostalgic, I sit here and think of this roof and smile.  Today I felt overwhelmed and compelled to ask him a question, so this whole situation is kind of my fault.  I knew that he had taken a lot of other people to roof as well.  Hell I think him and his friends have gone and partied there for a long time, even well before I knew the place existed.  But today something inside of me wanted to know about this roof and his new girlfriend.  He had sex with her on that roof.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot, because it was the one thing I held onto.  I'm not jealous.  That's not the feeling at all, because I'm not mad he slept with her.  That actually doesn't bother me at all.  I'm just incredibly hurt by the fact that I no longer have my roof.  You know when you are okay with something because you know at the end of the day it's better.  That's kind of where I am with me and Dillon being apart.  I know that we bad together.  I know that.  I want to be with him right now I do, but I keep telling myself that he's better with Marie and I am better alone to try to hide the feelings away or best case talk myself out of them.  Part of the reason I am okay with this is because I figured while I may not be with him, I can always hold onto these memories.  The absolute happiest I was ever with him was that night, and now all I want to do is forget it or pretend it never happened.  I hurt.  I hurt so bad.  I'm not quite sure I could ever go back.  I'm still not even quite sure I can even look at him the same way anymore just because it hurt's too much.  It. hurts. too. much.

Circumstances are different now.  Things have changed.  Things that I didn't acknowledge change in until less than 24 hours ago.  I will admit to saying that I can't be with someone like him, but that's just the thing: I don't think he's going to be "him" for much longer.  In 2 months, he will finally be 18 years old.  When we were talking the other day he told me how he doesn't want to go to jail.  I have never heard him say something and mean it so much.  He almost looked afraid, as he should be.  He also got a job, and with it a car.  And on his birthday, he is finally getting a drivers license.  This would change everything.  He would be able to be more independent.  I wouldn't have to come get him all the time, or dive 45 minutes to his house if I wanted to see him.  I wouldn't have to wait till I came home from college, because if he wanted he could come here.  I wouldn't have to buy his cigarettes anymore, or any of the little things.  He could finally pay for dinner sometime.  What a concept.  We could finally go out to dinner.  We could finally do a lot of things if he stayed out of trouble, and there is a really big piece of me that believes that he can.  I rant about him.  I do.  I tell everyone everything that pisses me off, which includes a lot of the bad, so anyone that doesn't know him thinks he's some horrible person.  The truth is that he's not.  You just hear a lot more of the bad than the good.  And you don't know him.  You don't.  I know you think you do because of the things I say, but there is this person that stands before me that is something I could never describe.  I know you are afraid that he is going to hurt me, but he won't.  He is a boy that is hurt.  He is hurt far worse than I could ever understand.  His parents are a lot worse than my father ever was, because they don't take it out on their marriage, they take it out on their children.  I used to pick him up from the shelter sometimes after his weekly meetings to try to deal with being abused.  He wouldn't dream of hurting anyone he cared about.  As for the cop, there is no excuse, but there is a reason.  I won't write about it because it would come out like an excuse, but I forgive him.  And I know why he did it, and I am sure that in a situation even such that he had put himself into that day I would still never be hurt.  I know everything is about to change with him, and that scares me because he is about to change into the type of person I always wanted him to be.  I know when this happens it is going to be very hard for me to sit here and watch him be with someone else, but for now I really am going to try to let him be happy with his girlfriend.  He deserves it, because I haven't been the best of girlfriend's to him either.  But I love him.  I am in love with him.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't, and I just want you to understand that.  Don't be mad at me for finding something that potentially could make me very happy.  Dillon is a boy that wants someone to care as much as I do.  Our hearts are very similar.  We don't work together, but we definitely don't work apart.  I am just sitting here asking for you to understand.  

So I realized something that kind of made me take a step back and for lack of any other words sit there like "WHOA!"  I am reading this really good book (granted is a teen girly novel, but I'm reading and enjoying it so deal) called Don't Die, My Love by Lurlene McDaniel.  This girl in the book is dating her high school's quarterback, who just so happens to be the type of football player to be that amazing that all of the major scouts are interested in him.  She goes on to discuss this aspect of her life.... "Julie felt a twinge of jealousy over the prominent place football held in Luke's life.  Sometimes it seemed that the game was more the center of his world than she was.  The feelings were childish, but that didn't stop them from coming."  Immediately after reading this part I thought of Dillon.  I had a flashback to all the times that he questioned my music, and to all the times that he had fought it's importance and prominence in my life.  I called him and asked him if this was sort of how he felt; if he had felt like somehow I loved music more.  After he answered yes, I explained that it was never my intention for my love for something like that to push him away.  After hanging up the phone I felt like the conversation somehow had brought us closer together because for once I think I understood what he was trying to say.  That was until I had my second flashback.  Over Christmas break when I started giving up on the music and becoming frustrated with Andrew McMahon, I vividly remember you telling me how you didn't like it.  I remember you telling me how it was a shame that I felt that way.  I remember you telling me that you felt like that because you fell in love with me through some of the music and therefore it couldn't mean nothing.  If that is what it did then clearly it was special, and you know what you are absolutely right.  So why am I bringing this up?  Well I realized that Dillon resents me on occasion for everything I believe in, stand for, and love, but you on the other hand love me because of it.  In that moment I realized that I will never again settle for someone that can't love me like you do.  Of course they can't actually do such a thing, but I will not settle for another guy that can not love me BECAUSE of the music.  I will never again let someone question that.  I think because of you I have realized what an important part of my life it really is.  I knew it was important before, but that was always the music itself.  Now you have shown me through music that what's really important is being true to yourself in every situation.  Never back down and become someone else for another person.  If they don't like you it's their loss.  You have no idea how much it means to me and how happy it makes me to remember you telling me such things, to hear those words in my memories coming out of your mouth.  You have no idea what it means to me for you to allow something to be so big in my life, and want it that way.  Music is my life.  Music is my passion, and now music is why the world is going to love me. 

Today I realized something either semi-special, or rather pathetic.  I'm not sure which one yet.  Ask me later.  Today I realized that there are two people who mean the world to me.  Two people who I know I love.  You see I used to love them romantically, and now I still love them, maybe more so than ever, but in a completely different way.  You see both of these boys have their own girlfriends now.  They both moved on, as it should be.  As I want them to.  It's just weird to think that I sit here on the phone and tell them EVERYTHING about me, and have these deep meaningful conversations, tell them I love them, and then get disconnected only to be told hey my girlfriend is calling I'll talk to you tomorrow.  There is not a shread of me that is jealous, not one, but i think in some ways it is a sort of eye opener.  I have two different descriptions here.  Either I am not moving on and doing anything with my life at all what-so-ever (the more pathetic and hopefully false description), or I have finally figured out how to have best friends that mean the world to me and in return learned how to be independent.  It's just sometimes it is hard, well not hard exactly, just "different" to sit and watch the two people that mean the world to me go on and tell someone else everything i feel for them.  This is much more the case with Dillon than with you.  The emotions and feelings and relationship that I had with him just ended not that long ago, and it's hard sometimes.  Our relationship didn't necessarily end because I stopped caring, it ended because I couldn't be dragged around anymore.  It was as if he had attached me to the back bumper of a car and drove at full speed as I hit every bump and pothole refusing to just open the door and let me in.  It was to painful to continue.  So with him, it's harder you know.  To be one hundred percent honest, I do not want a relationship with him.  It's probably the last thing I want.  I'm not jealous he is with her either, I just think that I miss being that girl to someone.   The one.  The only one.  I miss the way they look at you like you are the most important thing in the entire world.  I guess today I just realized that I have these two people that I regard as the most important people in my life, that I love, that regard me as something entirely different.  Am I lucky, or pathetic?  I guess what it comes down to now is that I am afraid that they will become too important.  I am afraid that these two girls will find this wonderful place in both of your hearts where they belong, and I will pushed out.  I guess I am afraid I'll lose the little part of you that I have left.  

I don't want to be a little kid anymore.  I wish to step outside in the morning, holding a mug of hot coffee, bent over at my front door, lifting the newspaper off the welcome mat, all while waving at my neighbors.  I want this current part of my life to be over.  I never thought I would say that I was done being a kid, but I don't want to do it anymore.  I feel as if the rest of my life awaits me in such anticipation.  I feel as if there are so many opportunities for me, and I'm overly excited to experience them.  I want so badly to know where I end up that sometimes the ambiguousness is killing me.  I have accompanied my last few weeks with the final seasons of Gilmore Girls, watching Rory graduate college, and becoming engaged (if only she said yes), and I realized through her how much I want that chapter of my life to get here.  I am in too much of a hurry now that I feel as if sometimes I forget to take in the tiny amount innocence I am still aloud to claim.  I have lost the desire to party.  I have come to this place where I can overlook any attractiveness in alcohol, and I just want to be an adult.  I sit here imagining where I am going to live, and what my daily life will be like.  So now I sit here not knowing whether this is a good thing, or if it is incredibly bad.

On a completely different note I received a phone call the other night, and asked the caller to call me back.  After hesitation, I jokingly asked him if he no longer loved me.  He response still shocks me.  He said, "Well..." and continued on to tell me that he had a new girlfriend.  The girlfriend part really doesn't bother me.  I am pleasantly surprised to find that I am not jealous at all.  Instead I am experiencing this wave of confusion.  24 hours before this new relationship blossomed, we were fooling around on my couch.  Did he not think to mention it then.  You know I have always known exactly what my feelings were for him.  I have never hid the fact that somewhere inside me I really was in love with him; powerfully and completely in love, but I have never known for certain when he claimed to love me back if he was telling the truth.  This is another one of those moments.  If you could have seen the way he was treating me that night you would know just what I mean.  He was back to the guy that opens doors, and cleans the table, and gives massages, and holds you just to be close to you.  He was back to that guy that looked at me like there was nothing else in the world, and then 24 hours later there is something else in his world: something else incredibly important.  So please forgive a girl for being a little whip lashed and dizzy.  I do not want you back.  I love you yes, but I do not want a relationship with you.  All I ask of you is to be straight forward with me, because I don't think you ever have.  That is what hurts.  That is what I have the problem with, because I love you, and I always will, so would you please just tell me where the hell I stand. 

Today is the first holiday that I have spent away from home.  Two years ago I was this girl who sat so sure on top of the world begging for the chance to run away from my family.  Freedom was too close.  I could taste it.  Now it is here and I realize that some people and some things you should never rid yourself of.  I return to my small white room after visiting home (how weird is it that I must now "visit" my own house) and realize that when the door is first opened, it seems all to depressing.  I return to this place, this place I now must refer to as "home" or as close to it as I can possibly get, and I do have a life here, I do.  The only thing is it's a completely temporary life.  I am not free of my family, but I realize now more than ever that I never want to be.  Ten years ago, it was me and my mom and my brother, always.  We would sit in the small guest room on the first floor and lock the door hoping that for that night only it would keep the demon away.  We would turn on the TV, watch something ridiculous and irrelivant, and play a game until the sun came up.  Each day we marked the victory of slipping by the demon.  For as long as I can remember it was the three of us: for as long as I can remember.  She doesn't know it, but she gave me the world.  She opened the door and let me choose my own path, any one that I desired, and put it right there in front of me make sure that in the end I would reach it.  He doesn't know it yet, but I do a lot of things in hope of making his world a little bit better than mine was.  There are things I had to deal with I would never wish upon him.  Someone with such character and heart doesn't deserve such a thing.  So today marks the first holiday I spend away from home.  I guess this comes with the territory of that thing I called freedom; that thing we all call growing up.  More than anything today though I am reminded of home.  I have a nice life for myself here.  I have friends that I adore, and people to tell all my secrets too.  I never have to walk around alone, and I feel completely fit in, but to be completely honest I don't care.  My life consists of a few things I know for certain will never go away.  My family, my music, and my voice.  I used to believe that they took it away; my voice I mean.  It's really the opposite.  They told me what to do and what not to do to build character and morals not to destroy individuality.  I would have been wise to listen, but being the stubborn person that I was, I too often drifted a little far from that line.  My voice is something that has always been encouraged.  I was given the right to an opinion, and all be damned I am going to use it.  My music is something that is engraved in my soul.  Some may argue that essentially it defines me; that in the most simplest and plainest forms it's who I am.  My family is something entirely different.  It is my mother and my brother, but more than that it includes a few more individuals that stick by my side no matter what I happen to do that day, or no matter how far our lives split us apart.  I have you.  I have Kris, and Kasey, and at the end of the day the 5 of you are what matters.  We all mean nothing if we don't go home at night to the people we love.  We all mean nothing.  So today, my friends, I hope your holiday is filled with family.  I hope your day is full of all those you could never bear to leave behind.  Believe in God or not, that is your choice, but make today mean something.  Make today special.  Smile, be happy, love... and go have a really kick ass Easter egg hunt!

It scares me to think that you knew me before all of this, that you essentially knew me before I knew Andrew McMahon.  If you were to ask me what kind of person I was back then I don't even know how I would begin to answer.  To be honest, I am not quite sure I even remember who she was.  Sometimes I find myself surprised that you began to like her at all.  You knew me before I had ever even heard of Something Corporate: a full two months before.  You knew me before I wanted this life that I am fighting for so fiercely and with so much passion.  I do however remember this girl that you met that was mad at the world.  She had scars upon her wrists to prove it.  She believed there was something inviting to the darkness.  Looking back on it now, over two years ago, I believe I was afraid of the world not angered by it.  It wasn't so much the absence of emotion or care, it was the fact that I didn't know what to care about.  On March 1st, 2007, Andrew McMahon stepped onto the stage at The Chance, and he changed my life.  I was not a depressed girl.  I had a whole list of things to be happy about, however there was nothing that had ever made me that happy before.  The scary thing was, there seemed to be absolutely no explanation for it.  I went home, and immediately the only thing I could think of was just how badly I wished it could have lasted forever.  The only thing I wanted was essentially to live in a concert.  I grew up with two parents that pushed me harder than anyone ever could.  They had very high expectations for me, and reaching them was not an option but a demand.  Imagine being a girl forced to be a doctor or a lawyer only ever wanting to be a part of the music.  For a decent amount of time, I tried to push away my dream, throw it in the back of my mind and pretend it didn't exist.  I believed that I was expected to be superior to all of that nonsense.  I was this girl with such passion, but completely afraid to show it.  We go through life on what some might call an identity search.  It is our mission to define ourselves as the individuals that we are.  I didn't know what this definition should be.  Should I be a doctor?  Should I be a lawyer?  Should I be the girl in the bar?  The scars upon my wrists were childish and stupid.  There is no excuse for what I have done, nor anything that I could say to try to justify it.  Today however, I can tell you where it came from.  i know why I was that sad eyed little girl embracing the darkness.  It wasn't that I didn't care.  It wasn't that at all.  It was that I cared all too much, and didn't know if I was allowed.  It's that at the end of the day, I really didn't know what to care about.  I wish I could be you right now and play the part of the person who has seen this transformation.  I envy you a little bit because you can say that you noticed.  Me on the other hand, while I am well aware that it happened, I do not know to what extent.  I am just a girl, struggling to fit into the world I love the most, going to bed for once with a smile every night and a song in my heart.  I'm just a girl who lays her head down each night looking forward to the sunrise.  

 "Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." - Peter Ustinov
I don't understand how I can forgive you anything and not receive some sort of affection in return... if i didn't care so much i wouldn't still be here... but i am... basically on my hands and knees begging for that to be enough... and the most depressing part of the whole situation is that I know it never will be... the worst phone call i ever got was the afternoon you called me to tell me you were arrested and you didn't know how long they would hold you for... the closest i have ever come to getting into trouble with the legal system was that day you brought me into that "haunted house"... you have hung up on me more times than everyone else most likely combined... and i would put money on the fact that you ignore me even more... and yet i stand here... feet planted in this cement... without budging... like tonight... you called yesterday and i was busy and i know you don't like that but i have a life to live too... and you hung up all pissed off... you said you would call me back tonight, but at a time later than usual i still received no call so i decided to call you... and coincidentally enough you didn't answer... and now 4 hours later you didn't call me back... and normally this wouldn't upset me at all except for the fact that i know you are at home doing nothing because of your probation... so i know for a fact that you have been ignoring me... but yet i stand here feet cemented in this ground... it hurts... it hurts more than anything else in the entire world ever has... it hurts because i care more than i ever anticipated... and it hurts more than anything else ever has mainly because you know you are doing it... you know how it's going to feel because half the time you complain about these feelings yourself... but you do it anyway... and that is worse than anything done unintentionally no matter what the crime... but yet i stand here cemented to the ground... my love for you is an act of endless forgiveness so why can't you give me ANYTHING in return...

 I sit here tonight second guessing arguably one of the best movies ever filmed... and i question it for the very reason that it was so successful... the love story itself... i am going to throw myself out on a limb here and say that Rose never should have gone after Jack... that the truth is she was better off without him... the ship was a fairy tale... a fantasy of sorts... a week long escape from the world where everything on the main land didn't exist... if it weren't for these conditions she never would have glanced in his direction... and i think she probably would have been better for it... some would argue that he was the love of her life and that while he couldn't give her anything real, he gave her something true... but i sit in Rose's shoes tonight and realize that there are some lines that should not be crossed... there are some people no matter how much they claim to love that just never can be enough... because the heart yearns for more... we want to feel loved and cared about but more importantly many of us want to see proof... we feel safe in the knowledge that we are economically well off and going to make it through the day okay... the heart may want many things... believe me i understand that... but these lines we draw... the ones through the rich and the poor... they make everything so very complicated... part of me wishes that we could throw them all away... do away with rich and poor... but then there would be no motivation to do anything at all... no work would ever be accomplished... but our relationships would be much better off... i may be coming across as one of the most prejudice people, but i can honestly say I am not... i am just living it... i am living every day for the past 6 to 7 months with a guy that cannot give me anything... he cannot even give me a simple promise to stay out of jail... five dollars seems like a gold mine... and presents are only ever received not offered... maybe this would be different if it weren't for all the legal complications.... maybe then i wouldn't care that he has never been able to give me anything... but deep down in my heart part of me has always resented him a little bit for it because i feel like even the small promise of a chance of hope for his existence would be something... rose was making a mistake... she was setting herself up for something that she could never understand... and through personal experience i am going to go against everything this motion picture has ever said and tell the world that Rose Dewitt Buckator is an idiot... and Jack Dawson was too selfish to let her go...